I think I'm the exception where women and shoes are concerned.

I bought my first pair of heels in about four years this week.

(Except for this one time before Amanda's farewell at Hugo's in King's Cross where I was worried I wouldn't be let in so I bought a stupid pair of heels from Target but I refused to put them on so as to fly in the face of pretension and I got in with my old cons and my paint stained jeans anyway. But that doesn't count. I've never worn those heels and it was a most regrettable purchase.)

I found them in Newtown. In a clothing boutique. In the dressing room. They were in fact, the communal heels. They fit my size 9 feet without drawing attention to the fact that they are size 9 feet and are ridiculously comfortable. I pleaded my case and took the shoes home for $15 and was implored to disinfect.

This story could say several things about me.

[A] I am the queen of bargain hunting
[B] I am in need of elementatry lessons on personal hygiene
[C] Probably, a combination of both

They want me, they want me not.

I really want something. I haven't really wanted something and faced the possibility of not achieving it for some time. And normally, I get it. Just sayin'.

But now I'm back to the thrill of the chase and hoping that I am bestowed with the title of administration assistant for the Object Craft and Design Gallery in Surry Hills. My phone enquiry today yielded the knowledge that already over 200 applicants are in waiting. Spectacular. Perhaps the fact that I don't sound like a complete twit on the phone and was allowed to give a 30 second bio to the woman on the other end of the phone means I have the slightest advantage. This really is the perfect job. Monday to Thursday, 9.30-3.30, and work that I have a genuine interest in. The pay is only $19 an hour so surely they'll have been inundated with juniors but who knows. Oh Lord please spare me from a working life of total mediocrity for the next year or so...

In other news.

I hate Channel Ten for creating in me the desire to achieve utterly unrealistic goals such as cooking a fabulous meal and renovating a room. Two hours was all it took.

I've been reading old blogs.

I used to care enough to blog. I loved blogging. It was my venting space. Back when I thought that everything I had to say was important. I'd compose blogs in my mind before I'd even turned on a computer. I can't write about anything anymore. Perhaps it's because I was learning things for the first time. There was an excitement and enthusiasm that doesn't exist on the same level anymore. I'm going to try to blog more. Really. Get excited about that, non-existent follower.

I've been here before.

For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to wordly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom and our righteousness and sanctification and redemption. Therefore, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever stop being so stubborn.

Some bold statements.

My mother is currently confused by the instructions on how to serve a ready-to-serve lemon meringue pie. Is it then really such a mystery as to why my baking skills are sub-par at best???

Anyway. You know what I love?

Perspective.

See, this guy has real problems. Thank you for the reality check, National Geographic.

Reality checks are in no short supply for me at the moment. I attended the EQUIP conference over the weekend and received a (much needed) kick up the butt. It's funny though, the one thing that has really stuck with me didn't come from a platform speaker, but from a friend who was recalling what she learnt at an elective I didn't go to. Hers was titled Pride and Prejudice and in terms of pride, she shared with me that self-pity is in fact a form of pride. You see while you are wallowing away in your own tragedy, you are in fact saying: my sacrifice is great and taking the glory due to God.

I've fallen victim to this inward thinking lately as I consider my past and my future. I've been wallowing in my circumstances, discontent yet unwilling to move forward.

Blogosphere, I must tell you, I have reached the end of my tether. I cannot and I will not complete this degree. I cannot spend the next two years trying to prove a point. I cannot study for the sake of it. I don't know where to next but 4 years of this is quite enough. I'm finished.

Why are titles necessary anyway.

Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. Especially when I seem to want to push my curiosity to heights of self-inflicted torture. Curse you, Internet and your voyeuristic inclinations that leave me floundering and wishing I could be more.

Meanwhile, I have nothing to say on Hume. Later, I may attempt to rip into Anthropology. Quite literally.

If I weren't a Christian I think I'd be a disciple of Camus. How timely that our study of Ecclesiastes should coincide with my deepening interest in existentialism.

I've tried to push God out of the picture. Camus and Sartre tried, they were brave enough to push this possibility to the brink and they saw a glimpse of the world they proposed. Yet they concluded that in the meaninglessness they must continue to live. I almost admire the utterly illogical conclusions arrived at by the greatest minds of human history.

To live is meaningless, and yet all agree that we must. We must be moral, but not because it really means anything, but for morality's sake.

Like little children who have stuck their fingers in their ears, humming loudly to themselves, dancing around in a circle, drowning out that which they don't want to hear.

No you cannot comprehend God. No you cannot reason him into existence. If he is God, he is greater than you. The arrogance of humans continues to astound me. If he were a God we were able to fully grasp, he would be no God at all.

I know he is God. I tried to push him away and I couldn't do it.

Things currently on mind.

1. The authority of the apostles and our understanding that their letters are God's word comes from...?

Serious discussion last week with someone who wasn't sure how to take the New Testament letters. As in, why are their words interpreted as God's word?

2 Timothy 3:16 and 2 Peter 1:21 immediately came to mind. But why did the letters come to be identified as God's word? Because they were written by the apostles? Because they were especially chosen by Jesus? Did the apostles believe that their letters were Scripture?

2. Readng James. God clearly doesn't tempt us, yet he tests us. What's the difference? We're tempted by our own desire and by Satan. What constitutes 'testing' then? I feel as though testing often comes in the form of temptation. What's the nuance here that I'm not getting?

3. Funny email from anthropology and sociology tutor today. "I think you're frustrated with this class. But judging by your contributions, you could be good at this." Ha. That goes for just about every class I've ever been in, buddy.